


hold my hand, we'll fight the darkness together

by Starry_Sunshine_On_Rainy_Days (orphan_account)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:08:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Starry_Sunshine_On_Rainy_Days
Summary: Once, there were four.The stereotypical ‘emo’ who hid the pieces of his broken soul behind a mask of sarcasm and insults. No one ever noticed the way his hands would shake just before he had an anxiety attack, or the way he’d retreat into himself whenever his emotions became too much to handle.The responsible one, the one who favorited logic and reason above all else. On the outside, he’d always been organized, helpful, and was considered the smartest. On the inside? He was slowly breaking, the weight of his expectations and failures almost too much to bear at times.The cheerful one, the one who never had a frown on his face. Or so it seemed - look a little closer, and you’d discover that his happy demeanor hid incessant fears and doubts that tormented him again and again.The ‘drama queen’, the most confident one out of their little group. Who was he kidding? His inner demons were villains that he could never slay, no matter how hard he tried.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	1. the secrets we hide

**Author's Note:**

  * For [serotoninDeficient](https://archiveofourown.org/users/serotoninDeficient/gifts).



> This is something that I wrote a few months and found in my drafts today. I never posted it because a) the two chapters that I've posted are all I've written, bar half of the third and b) this is absolute trash. Like, seriously- I'm really sorry. If anyone takes an interest in reading it and wants to read more, by all means, I'll continue it, though.
> 
> Jules - ahh, firstly, you're just an INCREDIBLE writer (like, seriously, I'd buy anything you've read; you're way better than a lot of published authors). And you're also so sweet and nice! Anyways- I figured that this may be weird, considering that we don't know each other very well, and this is pretty awful... but- 
> 
> Everyone, go and check out their Sanders Sides fic, 'Birds of a Feather'. It's crazily good-

“I removed myself from the equation, I quit.”

Virgil ran through these words in his mind - he’d uttered them after Thomas and the other Light Sides had somehow managed to find a way to enter his room earlier today - his anxiety growing with every thought that crossed his mind. 

Sure, they all ‘accepted’ him now, or whatever, but how long would it be before they rejected him again, once they realized he wasn’t worth their time? He’d always known that he had next to no value when it came to helping Thomas, unlike all the other sides. 

Logan was the voice of logic (literally) and reason, an essential part of Thomas’s literal thinking and intellect. If he were to ‘duck out’, so to say, Virgil, quite frankly, had no idea what would happen. Chaos would definitely ensure - hell would freeze over (well… excluding the Ninth Circle of Hell, that was always cold) before he admitted this to any of the other Sides, but Logan was literally the glue holding them all together. Without his presence, no one would be able to see reason and make decisions without their emotions getting in the way - a sure recipe for disaster. 

Roman, the fanciful side. The dreamer, who came up with far too many annoying nicknames for him, the one who’d always add a little more flair to his movements and actions than necessary. If he was being honest with himself - he wasn’t - Virgil would have admitted that he found the others’ mannerisms quite endearing; not that he’d ever say that out loud. However, the creative side also brought a lot of value to the table - his ideas and acting skills were what had gotten Thomas this far, after all. Without his acting and singing talents, Thomas would almost certainly never be the same - it was obvious that Roman played such a necessary part in Thomas’s well-being. When he caught the two of them laughing over some Disney reference, or fondly recounting an audition or performance, he’d simply look away, his eyes downcast and a little empty. 

He could never be such an important part of anyone - all he was good for was helping Thomas stay motivated, but even then, if he overreacted or screwed up, as he so often did, he’d hinder Thomas’s efficiency to complete tasks and such. 

And lastly, Patton. The sweet, caring moral side who was the only one that had made an effort to get to know him before today’s video. With a love of dad jokes and a cheerful demeanor, Thomas’ moral side has never actually been unkind to him before - something he couldn’t say for the other two. Yet again, Patton was much more important than he was; without mortality, Thomas would lose an essential part of his identity - ducking out wasn’t an option for the moral side. 

With a dejected sigh, he turned up the music on his headphones, welcoming the distraction. Music was something he’d often use to block out his thoughts when his anxiety, doubts and worries became too much to handle. He had other, less healthier ways of coping (unconsciously, his gaze strayed to the long sleeves of his hoodie that hid much more than he let on), but for now, music would have to suffice. None of the Light Sides knew of his... ‘habit’, and he had every intention to keep it that way. Virgil knew that they already thought he was a burden (they were right) - he didn’t need to give them any more reasons to doubt him; he was walking on thin ice already. 

Suddenly, he heard a tentative knock on his door. With a look of surprise on his face, Virgil lowered the volume of his music, walking quickly over to the door. After Thomas and the other Light Sides had entered his room earlier, he knew that it could never happen again. He had to admit that it was a little touching that they’d come to find him - but, oh well, he was giving himself too much credit. They just needed him to ensure that Thomas stopped acting like ‘an aloof moron’ (Logan’s words, not his). However, he observed that the more time they spent in his room, the more anxious they all became. He’d barely gotten everyone out of there earlier before disaster struck - after the events of today’s video, who would be crazy enough to knock on his door?


	2. it's never too late to make amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil gets a surprise visitor.

Scowling a little, Virgil hesitantly opened his door, still wondering why any of the Light Sides would purposefully put themselves in danger. However, he wasn’t expecting one of the poorly named ‘Dark Sides’ to visit him for seemingly no reason. With an exasperated sigh, he reluctantly allowed one of his least favourite sides into his room. 

“What do you want?” Virgil asked, already in a bad mood after the day’s events. Sure, he’d been ‘accepted’ into the Light Sides little clique, and he’d trusted them with his name… but something was bound to go wrong soon, it always did - eventually. What if they found a way to replace him, or something of that sort? What if they realized how worthless he really was? His biggest worry, though, was… what if they found out about his self-ha-

“ _Do_ keep lying to yourself, Virgil,” Janus interjected with his usual smirk, interrupting Virgil’s somewhat frenzied train of thought. “Have you forgotten that I’m literally the embodiment of deciet? I can hear all your panicked thoughts, repeating over and over… care to share the reason for this pile of self-doubt?”

“Leave me alone, Janus,” Virgil muttered, fidgeting with the hem of his black hoodie, adding, “you’ve ignored me for all these years - what’s with the sudden change of heart?”

Janus turned away for a second - but Virgil still caught the almost… hurt expression on the human side of his face. That was… strange, to say the least - he hadn’t really given much thought to the snake-like side’s feelings before this conversation. An apology already on his tongue, he was abruptly cut off when he noticed Janus’ (figurative) mask was back up almost immediately - he held up his gloved hands in the ‘surrender’ pose, replying with “Alright, alright, guilty as charged.”

“Would you care to leave, then?” Virgil asked with a sneer. “Seeing as you’ve only succeeded in making me more anxious than I already was, I’m sure you’ve achieved your goal.” 

Frowning, Janus slowly removed one of his bright yellow gloves, holding up his hand in oath - all without saying a word. Finally, with a somewhat blank look in his eyes, he said, softly, “I don’t promise that was always my intention. And as for ignoring you for all these years - that was intentional, and I definitely wanted us to grow apart, like we haven’t now. I haven’t known about… this ‘habit’, as you’ve been calling it, for a short time - but the only reason I’ve confronted you about it, was because-”

His voice cracked a little, which seemed to bring this unexpected confession to an end. Putting his glove back on, Janus quickly resumed his normal ‘I don’t care, I’m superior to all of you’ demeanor - or was it a facade? After that brief, but heartfelt display of vulnerability from the other side, Virgil honestly had no idea. He thought he’d always known Janus, to some extent - even if they didn’t always get along; it seemed he’d never known about the snake-like side’s inner demons, though.

Well, there was also the fact that Janus had known about his self-destructive tendencies for what could have been years, and he’d never said anything? Virgil had mixed feelings about that - for starters, did he himself want anyone to know about this hidden part of himself? The obvious answer should have been ‘of course not!’ - but suddenly, the lines seemed to have blurred considerably. 

He’d always gone to great lengths to hide his scars - wearing his long sleeved hoodie almost 24/7, and preventing himself from growing too close to any of the other sides, lest they find out his secret. But, deep down, a small part of him almost wanted someone else to find out. Virgil couldn’t count the number of times he’d sat on his bedroom floor with a Swiss Army knife in hand and blood splattered all over the wooden floorboards, wishing he had someone - other than his pet spider - to keep him company, and reassure him that he wasn’t as worthless as he thought he was. 

“So, this has been _absolutely_ charming and all, Virgil… but care to share what’s going on in that head of yours?” Janus asked, somewhat mockingly, his normal speech returning - Virgil assumed it was because he’d taken control of his emotions, unlike his earlier confession, of sorts. “Have you forgotten that I can sense lies, me being the literal embodiment of deceit and all?” Cupping a gloved hand to his ear - Virgil was tempted to facepalm at Janus’ ridiculous and quite frankly, overdramatic theatrics, but he didn’t voice his opinions… not yet, anway - Janus quietly whispered, “What’s this about wanting to tell someone else your biggest secret? I wonder who it could be? Could it be-”

“Just get out of my room!” Virgil exclaimed angrily, stomping his foot for emphasis. When Janus visibly recoiled in shock, he elaborated somewhat, adding, “Okay, that was a little harsh of me. Don’t get me wrong - I accept your apology and all, and I am kind of touched that you’ve decided to try and mend our somewhat broken relationship… but you can’t expect me to forgive you for years of neglect just because of _one_ conversation. Sure, you can hear most of my thoughts - I never said that I was a beacon of truth - but if you want my trust back, willingly? You’re going to have to earn it - good luck with that.”

And with that, he slammed the door right in Janus’ startled face. 


	3. lies, lies, lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus is hiding much more than he lets on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! 
> 
> Okay, so, this is probably going to be weirdly sentimental, but, ahh- 
> 
> I’d disabled emails for comments a while ago, so when I logged on the other day... I seriously wasn’t expecting anyone would’ve read this, let alone left such nice comments. Thank you so much! (Shoutout to Jules and Chloe here for being really amazing writers as well as... well, I’d consider you both internet friends, and really nice ones at that, but I figured that might be a weird thing to say, since all I’ve done is read both of your works, so, yeah-). 
> 
> Anyways- 
> 
> I honestly didn’t plan to continue this, but it’s currently 1am for me, I have an exam in a few hours that I still need to study for, and I figured... why not? This chapter is really... not good, I need sleep 0_0
> 
> Also- since this has actually been getting reads, I’m going to try and continue it... but, ah, apologies, updates will probably be really slow. I usually try and write chapters beforehand, but I’m just going to post these as I write them. 
> 
> If you’ve reached the end of this tediously long author’s note...  
> Thanks for taking the time to read my work :)  
> And- I love replying to comments, and the comments on this fic were really sweet, too. I just need sleep... replying soon! <3 
> 
> Enjoy... this mess of a chapter-
> 
> (It’s also been done completely from my phone - if there are any errors, I apologize.)

After making his way back to his own room, Janus was still more than a little shocked at Virgil’s reaction to his unexpected visit. However, he was mostly angry - but not at anyone in particular, just himself. He’d come so close to revealing one of his best kept secrets - but more so, he knew that it had been foolish of him to assume that Virgil would just smile, shake hands, and forgive him for… ‘years of neglect’ (the other’s words, not his). What the anxious side didn’t understand, though, was that Janus simply couldn’t help him fight his demons - as, unbeknownst to all of the sides, he was having a much harder time battling his very own. 

_ As you should be, you always mess everything up, _ a needling little voice at the back of his head taunted.

Far too tired to fight back, Janus simply removed his gloves and cape, now that he was alone, left with nothing but the miserable company of his own thoughts. Finally alone, again. Alone in his dark, dismal room, with nothing to do except stare up at the ceiling, questioning his purpose and what he’s actually doing here. Virgil had never been his best friend, exactly - but they had their share of moments together, in which one had helped the other fight the invisible monster that crept up on far too many people every day. Flashbacks played behind his eyes, every memory bringing a fond smile in remembrance, then a pained expression when he remembered today’s events. 

Ten years ago, and the line between good and bad was merely a social construct - nothing more than a blurry line drawn in the sand that could always be redrawn or changed. Bitterly, Janus remembered a time when his every move wasn’t mocked and ridiculed, his motives weren’t questioned at every turn and his contributions were actually valued and taken into consideration. It’s never easy, playing the villain, but his life - it’s been harder than most of the sides realize, even those that he’d consider close to him.

Janus embodies self-preservation, and surely that meant that he puts that principle into play within his own life - right? He wished it were that simple, honestly. 

Just as Virgil had anxiety attacks, Patton repressed his emotions sometimes, and Logan didn’t allow himself room for error, Janus wasn’t the best at applying his own principles to… well, himself. All of the sides struggled with that - although they weren’t necessarily different people, they could still make mistakes - but it was especially difficult for him, since he embodied… self-preservation.

Gloves off, he unwillingly glanced down at his own arms - scales aside, they also bore a number of scars that were far too linear and orderly to have been accidental. Self preservation, indeed, he mused sarcastically. 

It had started not long after the other sides had cast him out as if he was no more than the villain of this story. None of them had probably anticipated that he’d take out all his pent up anger and frustration on himself, but he doubted that they cared, anyway. 

After all - he was the one that compelled Thomas to make ‘immoral’ decisions, he was the one that chose the selfish route over the selfless one. He embodied so much… negativity, simply put; Janus had grown so accustomed to others casting him as the villain that he hadn’t even bothered to convince himself that he wasn’t. 

Because, if you looked closely, you’d discover that he wasn’t the villain - his good intentions just seemed questionable sometimes. 

And that’s why Janus had started to take out his anger and frustration on himself - for if he took it out on those that so quickly discredited him, he’d give them all even more reasons to doubt his intentions. 

It was meant to be a one time thing, he mused, somewhat sadly. But, as he’d discovered over the past couple years - once you started, it was almost impossible to stop. 

Even though he wasn’t a certain logical side with a collection of vocabulary cards and a necktie, Janus knew the psychology behind it - once he’d taken a blade to his skin and found that it released all the emotions he didn’t know how to release in any other way, it became his only coping mechanism; because it  _ worked _ . 

Although it was definitely unhealthy, and not something he’d ever encourage, it helped him… in a way that he couldn’t quite explain. After all - if he ever had a disagreement with another side, he couldn’t very well take out his frustration on them, nor could he just bottle it up. Taking it out on himself helped relieve some of that pressure - for a little while, at least. 

Before he could put his gloves and caps back on, Janus felt himself being called to Thomas’ living room. He was terrified at the prospect of all of them knowing his little secret, but there was nothing he could do, now that he’d been summoned. 

The other sides were about to discover that the embodiment of self-preservation couldn’t even muster the strength to preserve himself. 


End file.
